When Love is Not There

Love is learned. The ability to give and receive affection is something that is acquired. It grows and develops as a person lives with those who express their love to each other. A child who is raised in a family where there is a warm, healthy relationship soon learns to be a warm, healthy person. But when a youngster is brought up in a home where love is scarce, he looks upon affection as a strange, peculiar thing — something that makes him feel uncomfortable and ill at ease.

If the need for love is not met in a person's life, he may develop attitudes and tendencies which will affect his entire personality. And he may resort to behavior that will shape his whole life in a distorted pattern.

Consider, for example, people who are always suspicious of others. Many times it is because their lives have been robbed of love and affection. If they had known genuine, wholesome love, they would have little cause to be suspicious. But since they have tasted little or no love themselves, they distrust others. Naturally, they tend to look at the future through the same glasses with which they have seen the past. This makes it difficult to accept cordiality and friendliness on its own merit. So even when others do show an interest in them, they suspect that it is fostered by ulterior, selfish motives.

For example, a lady told me not long ago that whenever she saw two or more people talking, she always wondered if they were talking about her. This woman had been raised on a meager diet of love. And because of this undernourished facet of her life, she always imagined the worst.

Then there is jealousy. This does not just happen. There are reasons why people are jealous. Often a reason is lack of affection. A person who senses this lack often compares himself with others. Others have received love — but he was deprived of it. Since he wanted to be loved more than anything else in the world, he resents the fact that others were given what he was denied. And he becomes jealous. And what would happen to a group of children if some were given food while others stood by hungry? It would be inevitable: jealousy. Yet the same thing is taking place every day. Many are starved, not from lack of food — but from lack of love. Is it surprising then, that jealousy creeps in?

Some people find it difficult to love anyone — even those dearest to them. This may stem from the fact that they have never been loved themselves. On the other hand, those who have been raised in an environment of warmth and affection find it easy to express their love to others.

Those who have never received much love and affection sometimes react in rather strange ways. Some people spend much of their time trying to assure themselves that they are worthy of love. They go to all extremes — make unusual overtures to get others to like them — perhaps even come right out and ask if people love them. Very often they turn the conversation so that the ones with whom they are talking can compliment them. If their friends don't take the hint, they compliment themselves. And then they ask their friends to join in the compliment.

When affection is withheld from people it sometimes shows up in the form of aggressive behavior. Since they have not been loved, they feel that they have missed out on something which all human beings deserve. They resent this “discrimination.” “Others are loved,” they reason, “but I've been left out. I'll show them.”

So they retaliate.

Feeling that they have a right to “get even” with society, they devise many ways of “punishing” and “striking out” against people.

Not everyone “strikes out” against society for depriving them of love and affection. Some react by withdrawing. They feel that they are probably not worthy of love — since they have never received it. So they belittle themselves and pull into their shells.

It is difficult for a person to build self-confidence and poise if he feels that he does not merit love. Love and affection are a dynamic impetus in spurring people on to greater self assurance.

People who have never experienced much love and affection may show this lack in a variety of ways.  Love is something humans cannot do without. So when it is not within their reach, they turn to something else — even though it is a counterfeit. It may be harmful, but they take it anyway because the basic need for love and affection keeps crying out for some kind of satisfaction.

The symptoms are many. They may include suspicion, jealousy, inability to love others, unwise decisions, aggressive behavior, lack of self-confidence and love substitutes. These and many more — when love is not there.

Learning the Art of Gentle Marriage

Marriage is an adventure.

It is not a straightforward, direct journey from one point to another. It is not so much an institution as a way of living. Thus in marriage, as in life, there is no standing still; life moves forward all the time. And so does marriage.

As marriage is essentially a part of living, nobody can solve for you all the problems you will meet on the way. The one who humbly tries to help you can only indicate the right direction, point out some of the dangers, make practical suggestions and then leave you to it.

"Learning' Marriage

To a great extent you have to learn marriage as you go along. It is very important to recognize this at the start. If we could embark upon marriage fully aware of all its demands, the whole subject of marriage guidance would be much simpler than it is. But then marriage would cease to be an adventure. We would know from the outset precisely what to expect. We should need only to comply with rules drawn up in advance to be certain of getting along satisfactorily.

No people who marry, whether for love or other­wise, begin by knowing all they need to know about life or marriage. This is because there is so much to be learned in marriage which cannot possibly be learned outside it. True, we can learn some things by study or by closely observing other marriages. But in a prac­tical sense what matters most to us can be learned in only one way-in the school of our own day-to-day marriage experience.

Every marriage involves two persons; and no two human beings are absolutely identical; so no two mar­riages are alike. In every marriage there is a partnership of two persons of opposite sex; and the sexes are not alike. In addition to the obvious physi­cal differences there are emotional and mental dif­ferences which, in the main, are not so obvious. These reveal themselves in attitudes and actions, and are of the utmost importance. It is therefore hardly surpris­ing that the degree of adaptability of each partner to the other varies in different mar­riages.

The goal is a happy union lasting through life. Its attainment depends mainly upon the degree of ad­justment achieved by each of the partners. That is why marriage is really the art of human relationship at its best. It means learning by experience how to adapt yourself to your husband or wife so that there is real cooperation on every plane—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

Parenting Teens Gently, Part 2

Teenagers are quite sensitive about other people's attitudes toward them. More accurately, they are overly sensitive to what they imagine others think of them. Their feelings are hurt easily and often; they are vulnerable to attack, real or imagined.

Many teenagers, to avoid being hurt, refuse to take chances. They sidestep situations when they think they may fail. The thought of being humiliated by failure is very painful. This fear, which is usually quite irrational, prevents many teen-agers from developing their natural abilities and creative talents.

Many teenagers worry about their ideals.

Ideals mean different things to different adolescents: to some they mean standards that must be met, and to others they mean standards that cannot be met. Teen-agers regard ideals

generally in terms of function; that is, they think ideals mean either doing or not doing certain things.

Many teenagers chide themselves for failing to live up to their ideals, which are sometimes unreasonably high. They feel they have disappointed their parents, their friends, and themselves. They suffer feelings of guilt be­cause they have not tried hard enough to be responsible, thoughtful and careful. Most of them think they should do better.

Parents may help teenagers who suffer unduly from guilt feelings over ideals by accepting their supposed weak­nesses and by reassuring them that they are loved in spite of what they have done or failed to do.

Parents can help teen-agers grow up emotionally.

The gloom that engulfs adolescents often leaves parents feeling rather helpless. They wonder whether they can do any­thing to help their teen-agers grow up. Parents can help teens to live through normal emotional upheavals. Here are some things to do:

1. Learn the characteristics of adolescents and accept them. Parents help teenagers most when they understand what they are going through, give them the emotional support they need, and wait patiently for them to enter the next stage of development.
2. Discover your youngster's strong points, and focus your attention on them. Talk about your teenagers' strengths. Be glad they have them. Do not be looking always for their weaknesses. If you see some weaknesses, write them down and file them for a week before you mention them. Give yourself time to gain perspective and to think of possible ways to help your youngsters over­come weaknesses or live with them.
3. Be generous with praise—it works wonders. Praise creates wholesome, positive feelings in young people and gives them additional self-confidence.
4. Do not nag. Teenagers are often irritable, moody, shy, and withdrawn. It is usually unwise to try to bring them out of it. Nagging at them only makes them angry, and then they feel guilty for being angry. It is usually best to leave them alone. They will eventually grow out of this kind of behavior.
5. Permit teenagers release from tension. Wholesome social activities and conventional entertainment media will suffice as a rule to relieve normal tensions.
6. Provide teenagers adequate independence. This means freedom of movement with a minimum amount of adult supervision.
7. Provide individual teenagers the privacy they need. Every teenager should have his (or her) own room if possible. If this is not possible, he should have at least a personal area into which no one else intrudes: a portion of a room; a closet; a chest of drawers; somewhere else that private possessions may be kept with the assurance that no one will bother them.
8. Be available to them when they need you. Develop "big ears" that listen willingly when youngsters tell you their troubles. Do not pry into their affairs unless you are invited to pry. Even then, you will probably be more valuable as a most willing listener.
9. Be aware of serious emotional disorders in some adolescents. It is usually safe to assume that an individual's behavior is normal. Do not forget, however, that the rate of emotional disturbance and mental illness zooms upward during adolescence. Schizophrenia, for example, becomes apparent more frequently during adolescence than any other period of life. Suicides and suicidal accidents occur rather frequently among teenagers, especially those who seem to be depressed. Be alert, therefore, to the possibility that adolescents who behave strangely or inappropriately may need psychiatric help.

Parenting Teens Gently, Part 1

Adolescence is a period marked by emotional instability.

Successful parents do not try to continually to suppress their teenagers' behavior patterns when they seem unstable. Rather, they accept them and try to understand how their youngsters feel. By doing this, they help them outgrow the patterns.

Teens feel uncertain about their "new" faces and bodies.

The frustration they meet trying to understand and accept their new bodies accounts for some of their emotional instability. Adolescents are more aware of their own appearance than other persons.

Most teenagers compare themselves with their friends, with members of their own families, with their favorite celebrities. They worry about the size and shape of their nose, chin, mouth, ears, eyes, eyebrows, teeth, chest, hips, arms, legs, hands, fingers and nails. They worry about the blemishes on their skin, the curl (or lack of it) in their hair, the pitch and quality of their voice, and a thousand other painful details.

Wise parents accept teen-agers' normal interest in their appearance and give them the encouragement and support they need. They reassure them that they are attractive and will become even more attractive as they mature. At the same time, they emphasize the fact, however, that while physical attractiveness is important, it is not as important as good character.

Teenagers underestimate themselves.

Teenagers are usually overly critical of themselves. Adults who recall their own adolescence remember that they were often self-effacing.

Adolescents are very self-conscious. They are really too critical of themselves. I know from my own experi­ences exactly how they feel.

Parents are wise who do not make an issue, either directly or by implication, of their teen-agers' physiques.

Successful parents know that a positive approach to help­ing teenagers brings better results. They provide facilities and equipment for good grooming and encourage teens to impose upon themselves their own standards.

Teenagers feel insecure.

Adolescents suffer feelings of insecurity more often than members of other age groups. This fact is due in part to the youngsters' developmental stage: they are in a difficult position in life, being no longer children but not yet adults.

Feelings of insecurity are often difficult to identify and interpret because they are intangible. Yet they are plentiful during adolescence, as any truthful teenager will readily admit.

Teenagers express deep feelings of insecurity often through symptoms of nervousness. For example, they may be easily excited. They may "blow their tops" over matters that seem quite trivial to adults.

They may worry about little things that will probably have no bearing on their lives two years hence. They may act impulsively, do things without thinking and regret later having done them. They may bite their fingernails, chew their lips, pick at facial blemishes, clear their throats too frequently, cough un­necessarily, blink too often and too dramatically. All teen­agers do not have such symptoms; indeed, some youngsters have none of them. Yet most adolescents reveal anxieties and inner tensions by displaying one or more nervous habits.

Many teenagers feel lonesome much of the time, even when they are with others. They feel that they are different, that there is perhaps something suspect about them­selves. They distrust even their own feelings about themselves. They wonder sometimes whether they are normal; in fact, many teen-agers believe they are not normal. Many youngsters doubt that they are wanted or accepted by their peers, even though there may be no reasonable grounds for doubt.