Parenting Teens Gently, Part 1

Adolescence is a period marked by emotional instability.

Successful parents do not try to continually to suppress their teenagers' behavior patterns when they seem unstable. Rather, they accept them and try to understand how their youngsters feel. By doing this, they help them outgrow the patterns.

Teens feel uncertain about their "new" faces and bodies.

The frustration they meet trying to understand and accept their new bodies accounts for some of their emotional instability. Adolescents are more aware of their own appearance than other persons.

Most teenagers compare themselves with their friends, with members of their own families, with their favorite celebrities. They worry about the size and shape of their nose, chin, mouth, ears, eyes, eyebrows, teeth, chest, hips, arms, legs, hands, fingers and nails. They worry about the blemishes on their skin, the curl (or lack of it) in their hair, the pitch and quality of their voice, and a thousand other painful details.

Wise parents accept teen-agers' normal interest in their appearance and give them the encouragement and support they need. They reassure them that they are attractive and will become even more attractive as they mature. At the same time, they emphasize the fact, however, that while physical attractiveness is important, it is not as important as good character.

Teenagers underestimate themselves.

Teenagers are usually overly critical of themselves. Adults who recall their own adolescence remember that they were often self-effacing.

Adolescents are very self-conscious. They are really too critical of themselves. I know from my own experi­ences exactly how they feel.

Parents are wise who do not make an issue, either directly or by implication, of their teen-agers' physiques.

Successful parents know that a positive approach to help­ing teenagers brings better results. They provide facilities and equipment for good grooming and encourage teens to impose upon themselves their own standards.

Teenagers feel insecure.

Adolescents suffer feelings of insecurity more often than members of other age groups. This fact is due in part to the youngsters' developmental stage: they are in a difficult position in life, being no longer children but not yet adults.

Feelings of insecurity are often difficult to identify and interpret because they are intangible. Yet they are plentiful during adolescence, as any truthful teenager will readily admit.

Teenagers express deep feelings of insecurity often through symptoms of nervousness. For example, they may be easily excited. They may "blow their tops" over matters that seem quite trivial to adults.

They may worry about little things that will probably have no bearing on their lives two years hence. They may act impulsively, do things without thinking and regret later having done them. They may bite their fingernails, chew their lips, pick at facial blemishes, clear their throats too frequently, cough un­necessarily, blink too often and too dramatically. All teen­agers do not have such symptoms; indeed, some youngsters have none of them. Yet most adolescents reveal anxieties and inner tensions by displaying one or more nervous habits.

Many teenagers feel lonesome much of the time, even when they are with others. They feel that they are different, that there is perhaps something suspect about them­selves. They distrust even their own feelings about themselves. They wonder sometimes whether they are normal; in fact, many teen-agers believe they are not normal. Many youngsters doubt that they are wanted or accepted by their peers, even though there may be no reasonable grounds for doubt.