Parenting Teens Gently, Part 2

Teenagers are quite sensitive about other people's attitudes toward them. More accurately, they are overly sensitive to what they imagine others think of them. Their feelings are hurt easily and often; they are vulnerable to attack, real or imagined.

Many teenagers, to avoid being hurt, refuse to take chances. They sidestep situations when they think they may fail. The thought of being humiliated by failure is very painful. This fear, which is usually quite irrational, prevents many teen-agers from developing their natural abilities and creative talents.

Many teenagers worry about their ideals.

Ideals mean different things to different adolescents: to some they mean standards that must be met, and to others they mean standards that cannot be met. Teen-agers regard ideals

generally in terms of function; that is, they think ideals mean either doing or not doing certain things.

Many teenagers chide themselves for failing to live up to their ideals, which are sometimes unreasonably high. They feel they have disappointed their parents, their friends, and themselves. They suffer feelings of guilt be­cause they have not tried hard enough to be responsible, thoughtful and careful. Most of them think they should do better.

Parents may help teenagers who suffer unduly from guilt feelings over ideals by accepting their supposed weak­nesses and by reassuring them that they are loved in spite of what they have done or failed to do.

Parents can help teen-agers grow up emotionally.

The gloom that engulfs adolescents often leaves parents feeling rather helpless. They wonder whether they can do any­thing to help their teen-agers grow up. Parents can help teens to live through normal emotional upheavals. Here are some things to do:

1. Learn the characteristics of adolescents and accept them. Parents help teenagers most when they understand what they are going through, give them the emotional support they need, and wait patiently for them to enter the next stage of development.
2. Discover your youngster's strong points, and focus your attention on them. Talk about your teenagers' strengths. Be glad they have them. Do not be looking always for their weaknesses. If you see some weaknesses, write them down and file them for a week before you mention them. Give yourself time to gain perspective and to think of possible ways to help your youngsters over­come weaknesses or live with them.
3. Be generous with praise—it works wonders. Praise creates wholesome, positive feelings in young people and gives them additional self-confidence.
4. Do not nag. Teenagers are often irritable, moody, shy, and withdrawn. It is usually unwise to try to bring them out of it. Nagging at them only makes them angry, and then they feel guilty for being angry. It is usually best to leave them alone. They will eventually grow out of this kind of behavior.
5. Permit teenagers release from tension. Wholesome social activities and conventional entertainment media will suffice as a rule to relieve normal tensions.
6. Provide teenagers adequate independence. This means freedom of movement with a minimum amount of adult supervision.
7. Provide individual teenagers the privacy they need. Every teenager should have his (or her) own room if possible. If this is not possible, he should have at least a personal area into which no one else intrudes: a portion of a room; a closet; a chest of drawers; somewhere else that private possessions may be kept with the assurance that no one will bother them.
8. Be available to them when they need you. Develop "big ears" that listen willingly when youngsters tell you their troubles. Do not pry into their affairs unless you are invited to pry. Even then, you will probably be more valuable as a most willing listener.
9. Be aware of serious emotional disorders in some adolescents. It is usually safe to assume that an individual's behavior is normal. Do not forget, however, that the rate of emotional disturbance and mental illness zooms upward during adolescence. Schizophrenia, for example, becomes apparent more frequently during adolescence than any other period of life. Suicides and suicidal accidents occur rather frequently among teenagers, especially those who seem to be depressed. Be alert, therefore, to the possibility that adolescents who behave strangely or inappropriately may need psychiatric help.