When Love is Not There

Love is learned. The ability to give and receive affection is something that is acquired. It grows and develops as a person lives with those who express their love to each other. A child who is raised in a family where there is a warm, healthy relationship soon learns to be a warm, healthy person. But when a youngster is brought up in a home where love is scarce, he looks upon affection as a strange, peculiar thing — something that makes him feel uncomfortable and ill at ease.

If the need for love is not met in a person's life, he may develop attitudes and tendencies which will affect his entire personality. And he may resort to behavior that will shape his whole life in a distorted pattern.

Consider, for example, people who are always suspicious of others. Many times it is because their lives have been robbed of love and affection. If they had known genuine, wholesome love, they would have little cause to be suspicious. But since they have tasted little or no love themselves, they distrust others. Naturally, they tend to look at the future through the same glasses with which they have seen the past. This makes it difficult to accept cordiality and friendliness on its own merit. So even when others do show an interest in them, they suspect that it is fostered by ulterior, selfish motives.

For example, a lady told me not long ago that whenever she saw two or more people talking, she always wondered if they were talking about her. This woman had been raised on a meager diet of love. And because of this undernourished facet of her life, she always imagined the worst.

Then there is jealousy. This does not just happen. There are reasons why people are jealous. Often a reason is lack of affection. A person who senses this lack often compares himself with others. Others have received love — but he was deprived of it. Since he wanted to be loved more than anything else in the world, he resents the fact that others were given what he was denied. And he becomes jealous. And what would happen to a group of children if some were given food while others stood by hungry? It would be inevitable: jealousy. Yet the same thing is taking place every day. Many are starved, not from lack of food — but from lack of love. Is it surprising then, that jealousy creeps in?

Some people find it difficult to love anyone — even those dearest to them. This may stem from the fact that they have never been loved themselves. On the other hand, those who have been raised in an environment of warmth and affection find it easy to express their love to others.

Those who have never received much love and affection sometimes react in rather strange ways. Some people spend much of their time trying to assure themselves that they are worthy of love. They go to all extremes — make unusual overtures to get others to like them — perhaps even come right out and ask if people love them. Very often they turn the conversation so that the ones with whom they are talking can compliment them. If their friends don't take the hint, they compliment themselves. And then they ask their friends to join in the compliment.

When affection is withheld from people it sometimes shows up in the form of aggressive behavior. Since they have not been loved, they feel that they have missed out on something which all human beings deserve. They resent this “discrimination.” “Others are loved,” they reason, “but I've been left out. I'll show them.”

So they retaliate.

Feeling that they have a right to “get even” with society, they devise many ways of “punishing” and “striking out” against people.

Not everyone “strikes out” against society for depriving them of love and affection. Some react by withdrawing. They feel that they are probably not worthy of love — since they have never received it. So they belittle themselves and pull into their shells.

It is difficult for a person to build self-confidence and poise if he feels that he does not merit love. Love and affection are a dynamic impetus in spurring people on to greater self assurance.

People who have never experienced much love and affection may show this lack in a variety of ways.  Love is something humans cannot do without. So when it is not within their reach, they turn to something else — even though it is a counterfeit. It may be harmful, but they take it anyway because the basic need for love and affection keeps crying out for some kind of satisfaction.

The symptoms are many. They may include suspicion, jealousy, inability to love others, unwise decisions, aggressive behavior, lack of self-confidence and love substitutes. These and many more — when love is not there.